So I am almost a month into this year long experiment and overall it has been an eye-opening and rewarding experience. Then last week happened and the party was over. I wanted things. I wanted to get food on my way home from work, I wanted to watch bad TV with no time limit, I wanted to go to the grocery store and buy something, it didn't really matter what. I wanted to do anything but what I had been doing. I was seriously jonesing to exercise my capitalistic nature in some capacity!
I wasn't sure if it was just the winter blahs. It has snowed quite a bit for southern Indiana over the last month and I haven't been able to get outside much. It could have been boredom setting in although I really haven't felt bored. It was a more subtle feeling, somewhere between discontentment and resentment.
So what was going on? Was the newness of a different routine just wearing off? Or was I simply being a greedy hungry ghost? I did have a twelve-day period which could not have helped the situation.(Perimenopause is hell!) It might have been a combination of all of these things which usually is the case. But I think it had more to do with how I have traditionally handled stress.
What I am learning is that when under stress, I typically go for what will distract me the
fastest. Food and TV are the most readily available of course, but if those don't satisfy go
out to eat, go buy something, or see a movie. Do anything to distract from reality. This is of course a common human affliction and we all have done it. And it might actually be a good coping mechanism if done in moderation. But when your distractions are limited, it becomes clear this tendency is more of a hindrance than a help in dealing with life stressors.
So I have been stressed and now my distractions are limited. I had to sit with the ugly feelings, figure out why they were there and then determine what if anything could or should be done with them. After the feelings subsided, the experience wasn't so terribly bad. However, I admit that allowing myself to watch the season premiere of American Idol did help just a little bit!
Friday, January 28, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Hmm
I just got back from a trip to Tampa and didn't do much careful consuming. Since I went to give a conference presentation, my trip was funded by the school. I had a per diem for my food, but I have to admit, I didn't really monitor this allowance. While I didn't really live extravagantly--it is Tampa, after all--I wasn't really in the moment either. In fact, I even bought a new shirt. When I knew that I'd do a little shopping with a friend that I only see once a year, I made a deal with myself--I can buy something appropriate for work--and work only--as long as it's on sale. So, I stayed within that parameter, but still felt guilty.
I feel as though I haven't changed much in my life yet and I'm not sure why. I have been working on some projects that I've been meaning to do for years, but I do it while the TV rambles on in the background. I'm making more conscious decisions about what it is that I watch (I love films and documentaries), but it does seem to be on all the time still. Today, my partner and I ate lunch without the TV or our using our iPhones; it was real challenge and lunch only took up about 15 minutes.
I feel like my contribution to the blog at this point is some kind of confession or mea culpa. I'll try to work on that too.
You can't always get what you want?
How many people can say that they have a spare set of Shimano cleat adapters for cycling shoes? How about an extra tremolo arm for a G&L tremolo or a spare Univibe chorus pedal. Up until a week ago I would have confidently told you that I used to have a Univibe but I sold it several years ago. I lost my G&L tremolo arm one night at a club when I went a little too Jimi Hendrix on my guitar and why would I have a pair of Shimano cleat adapters? I don't even ride Shimano pedals.
What these items are doesn't really matter. The scary thing is I owned all of them without even knowing it. Since I'm trying to not spend frivolously I've been looking for stuff that will get me by and I keep finding things. I at least remember owning the tremolo arm and the chorus pedal once upon a time. I never expected to find them while looking for spare parts but finding the cleat adapters was a little weird.
Caron and I recently started doing some spinning classes at one of the local gyms (we got free memberships because of a local cycling team I manage and race for). Rather than use tennis shoes I wanted to use some old cycling shoes, but the type of cleat I needed didn't fit without an adapter. I started rummaging through the garage looking for solutions and within ten minutes I was holding a brand new pair of cleat adapters still in the bag. I have no idea when or why I purchased them. I was glad to find them but it was a little embarrassing. I clearly wasn't paying much attention when I made that purchase.
What these items are doesn't really matter. The scary thing is I owned all of them without even knowing it. Since I'm trying to not spend frivolously I've been looking for stuff that will get me by and I keep finding things. I at least remember owning the tremolo arm and the chorus pedal once upon a time. I never expected to find them while looking for spare parts but finding the cleat adapters was a little weird.
Caron and I recently started doing some spinning classes at one of the local gyms (we got free memberships because of a local cycling team I manage and race for). Rather than use tennis shoes I wanted to use some old cycling shoes, but the type of cleat I needed didn't fit without an adapter. I started rummaging through the garage looking for solutions and within ten minutes I was holding a brand new pair of cleat adapters still in the bag. I have no idea when or why I purchased them. I was glad to find them but it was a little embarrassing. I clearly wasn't paying much attention when I made that purchase.
You can't always get what you want?
How many people can say that they have a spare set of Shimano cleat adapters for cycling shoes? How about an extra tremolo arm for a G&L tremolo or a spare Univibe chorus pedal. Up until a week ago I would have confidently told you that I used to have a Univibe but I sold it several years ago. I lost my G&L tremolo arm one night at a club when I went a little too Jimi Hendrix on my guitar and why would I have a pair of Shimano cleat adapters? I don't even ride Shimano pedals.
What these items are doesn't really matter. The scary thing is I owned all of them without even knowing it. Since I'm trying to not spend frivolously I've been looking for stuff that will get me by and I keep finding things. I at least remember owning the tremolo arm and the chorus pedal once upon a time. I never expected to find them while looking for spare parts but finding the cleat adapters was a little weird.
Caron and I recently started doing some spinning classes at one of the local gyms (we got free memberships because of a local cycling team I manage and race for). Rather than use tennis shoes I wanted to use some old cycling shoes, but the type of cleat I needed didn't fit without an adapter. I started rummaging through the garage looking for solutions and within ten minutes I was holding a brand new pair of cleat adapters still in the bag. I have no idea when or why I purchased them. I was glad to find them but it was a little embarrassing. I clearly wasn't paying much attention when I made that purchase.
What these items are doesn't really matter. The scary thing is I owned all of them without even knowing it. Since I'm trying to not spend frivolously I've been looking for stuff that will get me by and I keep finding things. I at least remember owning the tremolo arm and the chorus pedal once upon a time. I never expected to find them while looking for spare parts but finding the cleat adapters was a little weird.
Caron and I recently started doing some spinning classes at one of the local gyms (we got free memberships because of a local cycling team I manage and race for). Rather than use tennis shoes I wanted to use some old cycling shoes, but the type of cleat I needed didn't fit without an adapter. I started rummaging through the garage looking for solutions and within ten minutes I was holding a brand new pair of cleat adapters still in the bag. I have no idea when or why I purchased them. I was glad to find them but it was a little embarrassing. I clearly wasn't paying much attention when I made that purchase.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Weekend Wonder
Now that I think I have totally weaned myself off TV, it seems like I don't really want to watch the six hours I've given myself permission to watch. I thought Mike and I would save our allotment up for the weekend, since we typically watch movies or recorded shows once we have time off. Instead, Mike and I are spending more time actually talking to one another about all kinds of subjects.
Friday night, I made a pizza and we talked for 2 hours about Buddhism, impulsivity, destructive relationships and more. Then we decided to play with our dog, Baxter, who was very tired of us sitting at the table. Mike and I got on the floor and played with him for at least 45 minutes. Baxter was very excited to have us on his level. He and Mike are a hoot to watch play. Baxter likes to play hide and seek and Mike obliges. I laughed so hard my side hurt. We had a great evening together. No TV.
Sunday then, we had about five hours of TV to watch if desired. We decided to just watch stuff we could half pay attention to while doing other things. I needed to catch up on some work and Mike wanted to play with his iPad. What happened next surprised me. The more I just mindlessly watched TV, the more I seemed to desire watching more. I started thinking about what shows I was missing, what news I hadn't seen yet, what popular culture I'd cut myself out of knowing about and how I was going to stay up on all of it. And so it went until I realized I was becoming greedy for more saturation, more information and more sensory overload.
The same thing happened when we had to return some gifts and had our first meal out since starting this project. Being at the restaurant and going to several stores, gave me a sensory experience that could not initially be satisfied. My senses desired more, "I need a new shirt. I need a new set of glasses. I want more chips and salsa." I hadn't felt that desire until being exposed to all the stuff. In fact, it has been a nice surprise that I haven't felt deprived. As an only child raised by a single parent, I have been trained to eat out and get what I want. I truly thought giving up these things would be much harder.
Once I noticed my mind desiring more, I quickly checked it and redirected it to enjoy the experience of being with my husband and mom instead of wanting more. I guess this doesn't help our capitalistic society but it does help me stay focused on what is most important and my goal of careful consumption.
Friday night, I made a pizza and we talked for 2 hours about Buddhism, impulsivity, destructive relationships and more. Then we decided to play with our dog, Baxter, who was very tired of us sitting at the table. Mike and I got on the floor and played with him for at least 45 minutes. Baxter was very excited to have us on his level. He and Mike are a hoot to watch play. Baxter likes to play hide and seek and Mike obliges. I laughed so hard my side hurt. We had a great evening together. No TV.
Sunday then, we had about five hours of TV to watch if desired. We decided to just watch stuff we could half pay attention to while doing other things. I needed to catch up on some work and Mike wanted to play with his iPad. What happened next surprised me. The more I just mindlessly watched TV, the more I seemed to desire watching more. I started thinking about what shows I was missing, what news I hadn't seen yet, what popular culture I'd cut myself out of knowing about and how I was going to stay up on all of it. And so it went until I realized I was becoming greedy for more saturation, more information and more sensory overload.
The same thing happened when we had to return some gifts and had our first meal out since starting this project. Being at the restaurant and going to several stores, gave me a sensory experience that could not initially be satisfied. My senses desired more, "I need a new shirt. I need a new set of glasses. I want more chips and salsa." I hadn't felt that desire until being exposed to all the stuff. In fact, it has been a nice surprise that I haven't felt deprived. As an only child raised by a single parent, I have been trained to eat out and get what I want. I truly thought giving up these things would be much harder.
Once I noticed my mind desiring more, I quickly checked it and redirected it to enjoy the experience of being with my husband and mom instead of wanting more. I guess this doesn't help our capitalistic society but it does help me stay focused on what is most important and my goal of careful consumption.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
One week of careful consuming
So it has been a week since I started this experiment. And I must say it has been a week with some experiences I didn't expect. Sleeping more being one of them. I didn't know I was that tired. I was sleeping over 10 hours the first few few nights! The TV was distracting me from how tired I was. I also found myself resting which is something I don't do much. I have really enjoyed that along with the silence.
I thought the weekend would be difficult, not eating out, having more time to fill, etc., but it wasn't at all. In fact, I invited my Mom over for lunch, went to the library, napped, read, meditated, exercised and cooked soup. It was a very relaxing weekend.
But the most interesting thing was how aware I was of what I was doing. I am feeling more deliberate in my actions, choices and behaviors. That sounds strange but it's true.
Another interesting turn of events has been getting things I need without spending money. I was offered free tickets to a basketball game, lunch, and got some money in the mail from a friend who owed it to me from fall of last year. Now I can buy some new tennis shoes I really need. I wasn't sure how I was going to swing that but problem solved.
The grocery was a challenge. I spent $115.00 but still had to go to a wholesale store. After doing a return and using a gift card, I still ended up $8.00 over my budget. I didn't feel too bad though considering I hadn't been to the store since before Christmas and I bought some stuff that will last all month. Hopefully, I can stick to the budget next time. I will have to set a budget for toiletries, cleaning & pet supplies, however. These will be an additional expense from the $125.00 for food.
So its been a good first week. I'm not missing anything. I don't feel deprived. I've got some energy to do some things I've want to do and look forward to coming home after work and doing them. I feel calmer, more attentative and definitely more awake! Humm, there might be something to this.
I thought the weekend would be difficult, not eating out, having more time to fill, etc., but it wasn't at all. In fact, I invited my Mom over for lunch, went to the library, napped, read, meditated, exercised and cooked soup. It was a very relaxing weekend.
But the most interesting thing was how aware I was of what I was doing. I am feeling more deliberate in my actions, choices and behaviors. That sounds strange but it's true.
Another interesting turn of events has been getting things I need without spending money. I was offered free tickets to a basketball game, lunch, and got some money in the mail from a friend who owed it to me from fall of last year. Now I can buy some new tennis shoes I really need. I wasn't sure how I was going to swing that but problem solved.
The grocery was a challenge. I spent $115.00 but still had to go to a wholesale store. After doing a return and using a gift card, I still ended up $8.00 over my budget. I didn't feel too bad though considering I hadn't been to the store since before Christmas and I bought some stuff that will last all month. Hopefully, I can stick to the budget next time. I will have to set a budget for toiletries, cleaning & pet supplies, however. These will be an additional expense from the $125.00 for food.
So its been a good first week. I'm not missing anything. I don't feel deprived. I've got some energy to do some things I've want to do and look forward to coming home after work and doing them. I feel calmer, more attentative and definitely more awake! Humm, there might be something to this.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
#%?! in #%?! out
There is a not so polite but common saying in the recording industry. #%?! in #%?! out. If the music you are recording is well written and played by good musicians chances are you'll have a quality product when your finished. If you have poorly written material and the musicians are either hung over from last nights gig or just not that good, things probably won't end well. What goes in really matters. There is a lot that an engineer can do to "fix" a performance but there is nothing better than having good song and a good band to start with.
As I go through this year trying to carefully consume I intend to really pay attention to what goes in. I want to pay attention and choose more wisely everything I ingest from the sounds I hear, to the food I eat, to the things I need to buy.
It's been one week since Caron and I have started our self imposed sanctions and I have to say it's been kind of fun. Turning off the TV has been very interesting. I've actually slept when I was tired. I had a moment where I looked at the couch and wasn't sure what to do with it when the TV was turned off. My position at the Dinner table now faces Caron. I've read and started projects that I've wanted to do for years.
Rather than ingesting 30 hours of television, I've taken in rest, looked at my wife across the table and engaged in some things I really enjoy but never had time for. I suspect that things will mellow and become more subtle as I get adjusted but it's a good start. Now that I'm putting in some healthier things it will interesting to see what comes out the other end.
As I go through this year trying to carefully consume I intend to really pay attention to what goes in. I want to pay attention and choose more wisely everything I ingest from the sounds I hear, to the food I eat, to the things I need to buy.
It's been one week since Caron and I have started our self imposed sanctions and I have to say it's been kind of fun. Turning off the TV has been very interesting. I've actually slept when I was tired. I had a moment where I looked at the couch and wasn't sure what to do with it when the TV was turned off. My position at the Dinner table now faces Caron. I've read and started projects that I've wanted to do for years.
Rather than ingesting 30 hours of television, I've taken in rest, looked at my wife across the table and engaged in some things I really enjoy but never had time for. I suspect that things will mellow and become more subtle as I get adjusted but it's a good start. Now that I'm putting in some healthier things it will interesting to see what comes out the other end.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)